Title: Anal Sex for Dummies, a sequel to The Kiss
Best to read The Kiss  first: http://slashfactory.com/Stories/TheKiss.html
Author: Louise Wu,  Email Me
Website: http://slashfactory.com/
Fandom: X-Files
Pairing: a Pendrell story for Krycek lovers (sort of Sk/K and M/K)
Rating: NC-17 for male/male sex.
Warning: Fluff
Summary: Pendrell returns to earth, seeking more than a kiss this time.
Archive: RatB, Basement, CKoS, all others please ask.
Spoilers: Terma, Max
Beta Thanks: Loren Q, Zoe T, Alex, Ness, Lyrical Soul.
Disclaimer: Chris Carter and 1013 Productions own the X-Files series characters. The rest are mine. No infringement of rights is intended.

There's no Dewey Decimal System in the library in heaven. Pendrell spent half a day trying to find what he was looking for. He never did figure out heaven's arcane approach to organizing the books, so he finally just asked someone to point him in the right direction. He didn't even blush. Much. Until the Clark Kent look-alike at the circulation desk winked at him. Pendrell grabbed the book and ran.

Afterwards, he lay on his cloud remembering the amazing day when he returned to earth. Agent Dana Scully was skeptical at first, but he managed to convince her that he was actually Sean Pendrell in the body of assassin Alex Krycek. She kissed him. Her lips were so warm and soft. But the best part was exploring the interiors of her delicate mouth. Sean had kissed before, of course, but it had never been so exciting. Krycek's substantial erection throbbed in his jeans deliciously. Pendrell spent many a morning cleaning semen off his cloud after reliving that adventure.

But now his thoughts had wandered on to other things. He still wouldn't turn down a date with the sexy Agent Scully, but something else during his visit to earth had captured his attention.

He picked up the book and perused until he found the right chapter. His blue eyes opened wide as he began to read. Anal Intercourse.


The same white-haired lady sat at the Appeals desk. Sean approached very timidly. His case wasn't nearly so compelling this time. In fact, his angelic hard-on was really the only thing urging him on. He handed her the 1228-S with a shaking hand.

She eyed him suspiciously and glanced over the form. Her wings fluttered when she got to the part he was most worried about. Justification.

Sean had rewritten that section twenty-three times. Each draft was a little better than the previous one. Now it was merely feeble instead of abysmal.

'On my previous visit to earth, I made a promise to someone that I was not able to fulfill before departing.'

There just wasn't any diplomatic way to say he owed Fox Mulder an orgasm.

"What sort of promise?"

"Um." Pendrell looked at his shoes. "Well, I..." He could feel his face flush. "I owe someone an... an... or... gas... sm."

"A what?"

"An or... or... gasm."

"An orgasm?" Her wrinkled face reflected intense disbelief.

"Yes, ma'am." He wished for pockets in his robe so he could hide his hands... maybe his entire body.

The angelic bureaucrat stared up at him through her eyelashes. He would never have guessed an elderly woman could pull off the 'you've got to be kidding' expression quite so effectively. She frowned at him, rose from her desk and disappeared behind a door marked 'Records.'

She was gone for so long he became convinced she'd gone back to her cloud in disgust. He almost gave up waiting, but he hadn't been able to think of anything besides returning to earth for the past six weeks. He wasn't going to give up easily.

After what seemed like a decade, the white-haired lady floated back through the door and hovered at the "Rules" bench. As she displayed some documents, the balding male angel rolled his eyes. Soon they were both frowning and looking at Pendrell. His hopes dashed, he smiled sheepishly at them, lifting his hand in a halfhearted wave.

The two elderly angels seemed to agree on something. The "Rules" angel shook his head dismissively as the other angel came back to her desk.

"According to the records, you've never been to earth-"

"But I-" Pendrell began.

She held out a hand to stop him. "We've had a few problems in Wish Fulfillment. Perhaps that explains it." She began writing in tiny print letters all over a form he'd never seen before. Straining his eyes, he managed to make out '504 J: Interruption in Return to Earth Process.'

For a while, she seemed to forget about him entirely. Finally, she looked up. "In any case, you're still entitled to return to earth based on your first 1228-S, which is a darned good thing, because we don't see many requests as pathetic as your second one." She wadded up the latest request and tossed it into the trash. She passed him his original 1228-S and attached 504 J and gave him a look he hadn't seen since checking in at the administration office after arriving late for high school.

He looked at her, questioning, and she barked out, "Down the hall, second door on the right."

Sean's knees shook as he neared the door of Wish Fulfillment. Just the thought of what he was about to do made him shake so much that he passed right by the door and went back to his cloud. He could return tomorrow.

Sean pulled out the book and reread the chapter on anal intercourse. He knew how to do it already. He could have figured that out without the book. The part he kept rereading was how to get his partner off. All he had to do was stroke the man's penis while he was fucking him. As long as Mulder climaxed first, he wouldn't ask for oral sex or anything that required skill or could lead to embarrassment... like the last time. // You know how to jack a man off. You've been practicing on yourself for years... especially in the past few weeks. You can do it, Sean. //

The next morning he went straight to Wish Fulfillment before he could lose his nerve. Expecting to see the tow-headed kid, he was surprised to find a handsome middle-aged man. Since there was nowhere to go from heaven, the staff didn't turnover very fast.

The big, barrel-chested angel gestured at him enthusiastically. "Eh! Come on in. Don't be afraid!"

Pendrell took a deep breath and passed through the door. He tried to smile as he handed the form to the black-bearded angel.

Said angel looked at the 504 J quizzically. "I don't remember you here before."

"I saw the other guy... the blonde teenager."

"Kevin?" he replied, incredulous.

"I'm sorry, I didn't ask his name."

The Wish Fulfillment man shook his head ruefully. "Kevin doesn't actually work here."

Pendrell blinked in confusion.

With a sigh, the man explained. "He's my stepson. He gets into a lot of trouble. Too clever for his own good, he's always pulling pranks."

Before Pendrell could stop himself, he asked, "If he's such a problem, how did he get here? You know... to heaven."

"Boys will be boys." The other man emitted a deep belly laugh. "I mean if we didn't relax the standards a little bit, there wouldn't be any men in here at all."

// Jeez. Even heaven needed affirmative action. // Pendrell shook his head in amazement.

"Well, anyway, I think dear Kevin took you for a ride. Did anything weird happen on your trip to earth?"

// Well, yeah, like all of it. // "Um, no. I just didn't get to complete the mission." // Oh, my god. I can't believe I'm telling lies in heaven . // He ducked his head expecting lightning bolts or some other sign of divine chastisement.

"Uh huh," the wish fulfillment angel replied.

// What if they know? Ohmigod. They might know and I'll get kicked out and sent to the other place. // Pendrell squirmed in his seat, thinking about how much he really loved his cloud. He was about to start screaming in panic when the man spoke again.

"Don't worry, son. We'll send you back so you can get it right this time."

A wave of relief passed over Pendrell.

The jovial angel pulled out the 'Short-term Possession' file.

Pendrell hopped up and went to his side, looking over his shoulder at the file. "Uh, could you send me back as Alex Krycek? Like when he's on a date?"

The handsome man smiled slyly. "Oh. Is he seeing this Dana Scully chick?"

Pendrell bristled at the word 'chick' being used to describe Her, but it wasn't the point, so he shook it off. Resisting the temptation to lie again, he just said, "Um, no, not exactly, but I think he... well, I'm sure he..."

"Hey! It's okay. You wanna be Alex Krycek, you can be Alex Krycek. I figure we kind of owe you one after what happened last time, you know?"

"Thank you."

The man muttered to himself quietly as he filled out the 2005-R. "Krycek on a date... Krycek on a date..."

He passed a copy of the form to Pendrell. "Now, since you want him on a date, you may have to wait a while... until he goes on a date, you know."

"Okay. Is there anything I have to do?"

"Nope. I just hope he's a socially active kind of guy. I mean some guys you'd have to wait a long time before they went on a date." He smirked his amusement at his own joke.

// Yeah, tell me about it. // Pendrell shook the man's hand gratefully. "Thank you very much."

"No problem. And... if you see Kevin around, I suggest you stay away from him."

When Pendrell returned to his cloud, he flopped down exhausted. He fell asleep dreaming of Agent Mulder's ethereal hazel eyes and his oh-so-tight rear end.

A few days later, he was in the cafeteria. The line was way too long and the vegetables were always overcooked. // Chicken fried steak? Again? I wonder if the food's better in the other place? //

Suddenly, he wasn't there anymore.

Pendrell's first sense was a bitter taste.

He found himself on his knees, his tongue on the tip of the world's largest penis. He slowly looked up. Six pack abs, very hairy chest. Stern face offset with warm brown eyes. // Oh shit! Assistant Director Walter S. Skinner . //

His eyes fell to his left arm. Gone. He'd never forget the sight of that scarred stump. He was Krycek, then. // Krycek, you slut! //

The huge organ throbbed before his eyes. // Um, no. That's not going in my mouth. // "Please. Sir!" he muttered breathlessly.

Skinner gazed down at him and shrugged. His gigantic hands reached out and locked a grip on the back of Krycek's head. His hips pushed forward and he shoved his cock toward Krycek's face.

Pendrell flung himself backward, his legs jutting akimbo, landing awkwardly on his ass. Krycek's healthy erection shriveled a little.

The huge man gaped down at him. "What's wrong with you, Alex?"

// This is so screwed up. I was going to fuck Mulder, but he's probably not even here. Now what, bright boy? Well, I suppose Skinner's ass is just as tight. //

Sean took a deep breath. // You can do this. Confidence is the best way to success. // Squaring his shoulders, he gazed up at the very big, very nude man. "Uh, it's just that I'd prefer... I'd prefer anal intercourse, sir."

Skinner gave him a quizzical look, then a slow smile reached his face and he raised his eyebrows. "Without a warm-up?"

"Yeah... um, I don't think that's necessary, sir."

"Well, you know the safeword..."

Pendrell struggled to stand, but couldn't quite get his balance right. Finally, he got Krycek's body upright.

Skinner eyed him suspiciously. "You're a klutz tonight." He smacked Pendrell hard on the ass.


The A.D. was nonplussed. "Upstairs, boy."

Pendrell reviewed the salient points of the anal intercourse chapter on his way up the stairs. // Preparation is the key to avoiding pain. Don't try to rush the process. Use plenty of lube. You can do this. //

In the bedroom, he asked Skinner, "Lube?"

With a salacious look on his face, Skinner passed him a small bottle. "Going to get yourself ready for me?" His baritone was low, seductive.

Pendrell shivered instinctively. He had no idea what Skinner meant.

Sean took a condom from the nightstand and examined it as if it was alien technology.

A baritone voice intruded. "You know I prefer to do that myself."

Pendrell's eyebrows rose. // Sure, let the man put the condom on you, if he wants to. // He passed the foil packet to the older man.

// Look at those beautiful brown eyes. I could just melt right into them. //

While Skinner opened the packet, Pendrell stroked Krycek's cock a few times, to revive it. His nervousness was interfering with crucial aspects of the process. And even he knew you can't roll a condom on a half-hard dick. He closed his eyes and remembered the feel of being inside Fox Mulder's ass. His cock rose instantly with the memory.

But when he opened his eyes, Skinner had put the condom on his own dick. Baffled for a moment, he took in the obsessively tidy bedroom and concluded that Skinner was a neatness freak. Less mess on the sheets.

He shrugged and reached for another condom.

Skinner's jaw dropped open as Pendrell rolled the rubber onto Krycek's cock. "What is with you tonight, Alex?"

Pendrell smiled sheepishly. "Huh?"

"You're acting... you're almost... timid."

// Oh, yeah. Huh. Krycek was probably really aggressive. // Pendrell squared Krycek's shoulders and tried to put more macho into his mood. "Sorry about that, big man. Don't worry. I'm going to uh... give you what you need."

Skinner scowled at him, shaking his head, as if Krycek were obviously mad.

A wave of doubt washed over him. // Krycek baby, help me out a little here. // No confident manly man arose spontaneously from Krycek's body, so Pendrell pushed himself again. Think aggressive. He attempted a cocky leer, confident that the expression was familiar to Krycek's face. "How do you, uh, want it, Walter?"

Those chocolate brown eyes rolled. "On your belly."

A puzzled Pendrell stopped to consider just how that was going to work, when he suddenly felt a strong arm around his back and found himself falling face first into the bed.

"Hey!" he cried out. Face caught between two pillows, he struggled to breathe.

A gentle popping sound might have been the lube bottle opening. At least they were moving in the right direction. Maybe this was some sort of game between the two men. There wasn't really any reason to rush, except his own nervousness.

When it happened, it happened faster than his confused brain could process it. The solid weight of Skinner's body on top of him. A knee between his legs. Something wet pressing at his anus. An incredible burning, piercing sensation deep in his ass. His own scream in Krycek's gravelly tone. A breathless baritone speaking in his ear. "You said you didn't need a warm-up."

"But... I didn't mean..." It felt like he had a watermelon up his ass. Pendrell was afraid to move and eternally grateful that Skinner wasn't moving either. This was not what he had in mind.

"Relax. You're tight as a virgin tonight. What is wrong with you?"

"I just... um... this wasn't... I was," he cleared his throat, "thinking maybe I'd... um... be on top."

A hearty laugh deafened him for a moment. "Good one, Alex." Then Skinner slowly eased his cock out of the deepest, most private part of him.

"Yah hah, uh!" Pendrell exclaimed at the painful sensations inside his rectum, but his body also went limp with relief. // Yes. Please get it out of me! //

But just as the invading erection was almost withdrawn, Skinner pushed it right back inside him. As he opened his mouth to object, the head of the mammoth cock brushed across something inside him. An intense searing sensation exploded in the borrowed body.

"Prostate," he muttered mindlessly, his pain-and-arousal-dimmed mind flashing on that page in the book. // The most wonderful thing I've ever felt . //

Skinner pulled back and thrust into him again. The man's cock was just too damned huge for anything like this. It felt like Krycek's body was being torn to shreds. "Ah! Oh!" he squealed. But on the other hand, the prostate thing was truly marvelous. Krycek's cock throbbed deliciously, even while tangled untouched in the sheets.

"Fuck, you're tight." Skinner's deep voice was hoarse. He pounded into Krycek's helpless body. The pain was too much. Much too much. Then the prostate thing happened again and Krycek's body dissolved into the spasms of the most intense orgasm of Sean's life.

Skinner rode his body, never stopping the relentless penetration as Pendrell wailed his utter joy to the four walls of the room.

When it was over, he felt like a puddle of liquid.

How Skinner could not realize he'd come was beyond him, but the man was still fucking him feverishly.

"Uh, I came," he said quietly.

"Yeah, I noticed," the man replied with a grunt, still ramming that huge weapon into him.

As the endorphins began to subside, Pendrell was only too aware of how much it hurt. "You can stop now."

Skinner groaned, a half chuckle concealed in the deep animal sound. "Right," he muttered. A slight pause as he shifted his position gave Pendrell hope, but the huge organ continued to slam into him. When it brushed across his prostate the next time, it was too much. The tiny button seemed to quiver with the need to escape.

"Ya! Ah!" he cried, "Stop! Please!"

A low growl rose from deep in Skinner's chest. "I love it... when you... beg." His weight crushed Pendrell's body mercilessly into the sheets as Skinner's hips thrust even harder.

The newly discovered prostate felt like it was going to explode. "Please! Please!" he screamed as the man fucked him ruthlessly. Tears fell from Krycek's cheeks. Pain and excess sensation engulfed him and he began to tremble.

After an eternity, Skinner finally came with a roar. Pendrell could feel the pulsing of the huge cock deep inside him as Skinner's body pumped out his release.

At last the big man stilled and his heavy body slumped onto the quivering form of Alex Krycek's body.

After a few minutes of silence, Skinner whispered in his ear. "God, that was great." He kissed the back of Krycek's neck. "You were really passionate tonight."

An awkward giggle escaped Pendrell's lips. He was on the verge of hysteria.

Skinner's body rolled off of him, hand smacking him again, none too gently, on the ass.

Pendrell peered out from over a pillow. The older man gave him a satisfied grin. Then he rose from the bed and headed for the bathroom.

Pendrell shifted onto his side, wrapping Krycek's arm around a pillow, hugging it to his body. Whew! That prostate thing was really nice at first, but Skinner was just way too big for anal sex. Maybe it would be okay to be on the bottom with someone possessing a more reasonably sized penis. Hmm...

He stopped to wonder why he was still here on earth. // Fuck! I still owe Fox Mulder an orgasm. //

At this point, the thought of more sex was repulsive. But hanging around Skinner's house for another round didn't seem like a good idea either. He peeled off the condom and set it on the bedside table, wincing as it slipped off and landed open end first in a black dress shoe. // Oops! //

The need to depart even more pressing, Pendrell bolted from the bed, knocked to his knees after one step by the knife-sharp stab of pain in his rectal canal. // Fuck! // He struggled to his feet and ran as gingerly as possible down the stairs. He found two piles of clothes in the living room, quickly identifying Krycek's jacket. // Not going to make that mistake again . //

As he tugged on Krycek's jeans, he noticed something wet oozing out of his ass. Had to be lube. // Yuck. //

Sean dressed clumsily and slipped on the leather jacket. He located Krycek's prosthetic arm on the floor by the sofa. Eager to leave, he picked it up and wedged it under the stump. As he neared the door, he remembered how bad he felt at all the chaos he'd caused after his abrupt departure from earth last time. So he stopped at the small desk. He rested the arm on the surface and opened a drawer. He'd leave a note.

// What to say? Sir, no 'Walter.' My ass feels like you went over it with a scrub brush. No, that wouldn't do. Mother always said, 'If you can't say something nice, don't say anything.' //

It was hard to write without a second hand to hold down the paper, but he managed.

I had a lovely time.
Thank you.

// There. That was surely pleasant enough. Now poor Krycek wouldn't have to deal with any nasty repercussions from my second visit to earth. //

He slipped out the door and into the hall. As he limped toward the elevator, he desperately wanted to leave behind Krycek's sore butt and return to his soft cloud where nothing could hurt him. Unfortunately, the only way home was to satisfy the original request. Which meant he still owed Mulder an orgasm. Sigh.

An hour or two later, he was sprawled on his belly in the grass of a nearby park. It was the middle of the night--and fucking dark--but he had Krycek's Glock and figured he looked intimidating enough to be ignored.

He just couldn't face another out of control sexual encounter. Just when his despair to return to heaven nearly overwhelmed him, he remembered a bit of Bureau gossip.

Pendrell rose stiffly and carefully, eyes flicking around the park, until he spotted what he needed. Gingerly, he made his way to the dimly lit payphone near the park's restrooms.

He didn't know Mulder's phone number, so he phoned the main Bureau switchboard.

"Com Center," answered a woman's voice.

Pendrell gaped into the phone for a minute. // What the hell am I going to say? // "Uh, yes. I need to reach Agent Mulder. This is an emergency. Can you patch me through to his cell phone?"

"I'm sorry. Bureau regulations only allow the forwarding of calls from authorized agents."

"Um, well, I'm... Agent Scully's brother and her life is in danger. If you don't put me through to her partner, she will probably be killed."

"This is highly irregular. You shouldn't even have this phone number."

"Do you want her to die, because you were following Bureau regulations?"

"Well, no. I guess I'll connect the call, but you'd better be telling the truth."

// I have lied more since I went to heaven than in my entire life on earth. I fucking hope I don't give Mulder his orgasm and wake up in a bonfire instead of on my cloud. // Just the thought of his nice safe cloud brought tears to his eyes. What was he thinking coming back to earth?

A voice broke through. "Mulder."

"Uh, hi."

"Alex? You fucker! Why are you calling me?"

Uh-oh. "Are you angry with me?"

"What part of 'Take your immoral, cheating ass out of here' did you fail to grasp?"

"Is this because of that night at Scully's apartment?"

"Get to the point, Krycek. You didn't call me to make up."

"Um, well. What are you wearing?"

"You slime-encrusted, double-crossing rat! You can't just use me for phone sex! Call a 900 line, you cheap-ass bastard."

// Hmm... have to get him motivated here... // "I've got something big and hard for you, baby."

"You smarmy son of a bitch! I've got two big hard fists with your name on them."

"Your, um, penis is hard. You're lying naked on your stomach on your bed. My body is pressed against yours."

"Aw, Christ. You can do better than that, Alex."

"I... Suddenly my knee is between your legs and I'm prying them apart. Your hands are bound over your head, to the headboard."

"Yeah?" There was a subtle easing of hostility in the agent's voice.

"Uh huh. Without any preparation, I push the head of my penis at your anus and shove it into you."

A soft gasp came through the phone. Then the sound of a zipper.

"I did use lube, but, you know... Anyway, I thrust into you real hard."

"Uh huh," Mulder said in a dazed voice. "Call me the name. You know."


"No, you know... what I like to be called... I know it's not very nice. But it makes me so hot when your cock is deep inside me." His voice was breathless, captivated.

// Fuck! How should I know what inane smutty thing Special Agent Fox Mulder liked to have his criminal lover call him? Gulp. Maybe I can change the subject. // "Um, I'm shoving it in you so hard, you can barely breathe."

"Yessss," he rasped into the phone. "Say it, please ." The wordless groan that followed tipped Pendrell off to the fact that Mulder was turning himself on here... by his own begging. Poor sick fuck.

Krycek's face flushed, even as he continued, "You're going to have to beg, Fox."

"Oh, please, Alex. You know I'll do anything. Please ."

"So I keep thrusting into you. Your ass feels like it's being scraped raw with a scrub brush."

"Oh, baby, you're so cruel." A sound like a sob came through the receiver. "I need you to get rough with me. Put me in my place, Alex. Tell me what I am. Please!"

// I wish I knew, Fox! // "Um, my thick cock is pounding in and out of you like a piston."

"Please, baby. Give me what I need!"

// Christ, how many ways are there to describe fucking a guy? // "I'm pushing in and out of you, relentlessly."

"Uhh huh, I'm... almost... there... Alex, please!"

// Fuck, now what? Come, Mulder! Just orgasm, dammit! // And then he remembered the instructions in the book. "My hand gropes under your ravaged body and I wrap my fingers around your turgid member."

"Nuhhhh! Call! Me! Your! Whore!"

// Whore? Oh, sheesh, I want to go home. // "COME FOR ME, YOU FUCKING WHORE!" he screamed into the payphone. And felt something cold press against the back of his neck.

"Nuhhhhhhhhh! Argggghhhh." And then a soft cough into the receiver. "Oh, god, Alex."

// Okay, heaven, I'm ready. Get me out here. //

A snick sound near his ear. "Hands up, Krycek."

Without thinking, he twisted his neck and saw the pissed off face of Dana Scully.

"Hands up!" she barked at him.

He raised Krycek's only hand, which was still holding the telephone receiver. He was vaguely aware of Mulder's faint voice. "Alex, what's wrong? Are you okay?"

Scully's glare was positively lethal. "Whore? It's bad enough you pretended to be my brother to have phone sex with Mulder, but you called him a whore ?"

"He asked me to," Pendrell replied tentatively, knowing it was the wrong thing to say even as he said it.

She took the receiver from his shaking hand. "Mulder, it's me. In the future, tell your boyfriends not to involve me in your phone sex escapades." "The Bureau operator called me reporting that my brother asked to be patched through to your cell phone for an emergency call." "And I really did not need to know that you like to be called a whore." She slammed the receiver down hard enough to crack the plastic.

Pendrell swallowed hard. // Mulder came, so why am I still here, dammit? // Then he flashed on the image of a form. 504 J. Interruption in Return to Earth Process. He was here on his first request.

Before he could even think about being afraid of getting shot, he dropped his arm around Agent Scully's shoulders and kissed her, his tongue darting aggressively into her shocked mouth.

Suddenly her knee came up, connecting powerfully with his groin. // Fuck! That hurt worse than Skinner's cock . //

Sean lost his footing, and slipped. // The ground on my ass is going to hurt more. //

But the sky went foggy and his landing was soft.

Pendrell was back in heaven. He huddled on the fluffy, safe cloud for half an hour before his breathing calmed down.

Then he picked up the book and ran all the way to the library. After returning Anal Sex for Dummies, he wandered around looking for another book and finally settled on Being Happy in the Life You've Been Given by one of those pop psychologists.

The same Clark Kent looking guy was at the circulation desk. He pulled off his glasses and smiled at Pendrell. "I get off work at 5. You wanna drop by my cloud later?"

"Uh, sure," Pendrell replied with a shy smile.

5 November 2000

There probably won't be another sequel, but please send feedback anyway. It makes me smile.
Louise Wu,  Email Me


Back to LZL Home