Losing It: Take II
Krycek's staring at me with a look of dawning comprehension. "Fuck me!"
I'm going to kill Mulder. I'm not exactly sure how this is his fault, but I know it is. "Krycek, would you mind not swearing? It negates my belief in a benevolent god to hear an infant cussing like that."
"I'm not an infant!" he yelps indignantly.
"Well, you sure as hell look like one," Mulder offers with a smug grin.
"Oh really?" Krycek bounces a little in frustration. "Looking forward to puberty, Mulder?"
"You little prick!" Mulder lunges for the 'baby.'
I intercept him with an arm around the waist and toss him on the other bed. "Mulder, knock it off. We have bigger problems than this right now." I rub my hand over my face and through my... hair. I have hair!
"Okay," Mulder offers in an attempt at calm. "Let's try to figure out what happened. We found Krycek at that facility. Anyone remember anything after that?"
"No," Krycek and I reply in unison.
"So something happened to us in that lab. Krycek, do you know anything about that place?"
"No." Krycek starts to run his hand over his head, then stops to feel the downy fuzz with an expression of dismay. "This is so embarrassing," he whispers, cheeks turning pink. "I was having lunch at a bistro in New York on Thursday afternoon. I don't remember leaving and I don't remember anything after that. Do we even know what day it is?"
Good question. I grab the room phone, dial the office and ask a couple questions. Setting down the receiver, I reply, "It's Saturday morning. Mulder and I lost one night, Krycek you lost a day and a half. Also, we're still in Rhode Island."
Krycek's eyes are wide and I can see something's disturbing him, but he only says, "And how do we know they aren't coming back? Maybe we weren't supposed to wake up so soon. Maybe someone rescued us and whoever did this is looking for us right now. And has anyone thought to look in the black bags by the table!"
"Good god," Mulder blurts out. "What's crawled up your butt?"
Krycek does indeed look like something crawled up somewhere. He's squirming around, but it's kind of cute. Still he makes a lot of valid points.
Thankfully Skinner goes to get the bags, so there's something to pay attention to besides me.
I've never had to piss so badly in my entire life. It came on so fast and I think I'm going to explode. Deep breath. That wasn't helpful... I don't have enough lungs. Fuck! I've been on stakeouts and had to hold it for 12 hours. What the hell is wrong with me?
Skinner has the bags on the table. Mulder's trying to look over his shoulder, but he's too short, so it comes off as some sort of agitated dance.
I swear, I think my eyes are going to pop out of my head.
"It's all our stuff," Skinner murmurs. "Wallets, clothes," there's a jangle of metal, "our rental car keys." He opens the other bag. "Food." He tries to bite back a laugh. "Um, diapers and change of clothes for you, Krycek." Looking over his shoulder, he manages to offer a bland smile.
I hate you both.
That's it. I have to do something about this 'pressing need.' I wiggle to the side of the bed, appalled at how uncoordinated I feel. Man, the floor looks far away. I drop my legs off first, though it nearly makes my bladder explode. I lose my grip and fall the rest of the way. Landing hard on my ass.
Instantly, my eyes fill with tears.
Oh my god!
I don't cry. Not about anything. Certainly not about falling on my butt.
"You gonna cry?" I look up to meet Mulder's amused eyes.
"Well, it certainly looks like it."
"Mulder, go get yourself abducted and leave me alone!" My annoyance seems to stem the tide of unwanted emotion.
His smug grin fades. "What the hell are you trying to do anyway?"
"I have to piss, you obnoxious prick."
"Skinner's right... you shouldn't swear. It's too fucking weird." He shudders in revulsion. "So, piss. You're wearing a diaper. And we've got lots of extras."
You slimy little bastard. "I'm not going to pee my pants, you future pimple-popper."
There's a sound like a growl low in his throat. Except it's a rather high-pitched growl. I try not to grin too much.
"Well, I don't know how successful your trip to the bathroom is going to be... I can see you kissing the toilet seat, but not sitting on it."
"I'll happily piss all over the floor... something for you and Skinner to enjoy later!" I sneer at him.
"Use your goddamn diaper, you big baby."
"Would you two SHUT UP!" Skinner steps behind Mulder, looking profoundly annoyed.
"Oh, we're done arguing. Mulder was just volunteering to change my diaper after I'm through relieving myself!" I yell up at them.
Ick. What a horrible thought. But so is wading around in urine. Just as I'm trying to decide what to do, Skinner sighs heavily. And, to my eternal amazement, Walter Skinner leans down and picks up Alex Krycek.
Krycek give is a squeak of upset and starts pounding Skinner's shoulder with the teeniest little fists. I press my lips into a thin line, fighting the laugh. Not for Krycek's sake, but for Skinner's.
I flop onto one of the beds and wait for the fireworks. Their voices drift from the bathroom.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?"
"It seems much less objectionable to help you go to the bathroom than to have to change diapers. And I sure as hell don't want you peeing on the floor!"
"Get the fuck out!"
"Are you cracked? It's not like you can get on the toilet, you little moron. And even if you could, you'd fall in! Do you have any idea how small you are? Here look."
"OH MY GOD! Put me down you overgrown, testosterone laden, son of a bitch!"
"You know, this isn't pleasant for any of us, and you're just making it worse."
"Any of us? You're not two feet tall! Don't do that! Give me my shorts!"
"Stop that! I'll do it."
"Knock it off. There... now do what you have to do so we can..." The sound of someone taking a healthy piss causes me to grab a pillow so I can muffle my laughter.
"Now, give me back my shorts!"
"Here. No... I'll put them on. Stop fighting with me! There... let's wash your hands."
"I'll wash my hands, thank you very much!"
"Be serious. A little soap... now just run them under the water. God, you're making a mess!"
"Bite me, big boy!"
"Dry your fucking hands."
"Satisfied? Now put me down!"
I remove the pillow and sit up, attempting to paste an innocent expression on my face just as Walter stomps out of the bathroom. Christ on a cracker... he looks annoyed.
Krycek very quickly waddles after him, face bright red with anger. "You know, if you were trying to win points in heaven, you should have washed my fucking feet!"
Skinner looks like he's going to explode. But I think I've had enough. Crossing to stand in front of Krycek, I lean down until we're eye to eye. "Would you please, please stop swearing."
"Fuck off, Mulder," he yells at me, then punches me in the nose.
A strong arm yanks me backward and I realize I was about to knock the little punk on his ass. Patience... "Krycek, Alex, it's very disturbing to see someone who looks as, well, as sweet as you do cussing like a sailor. I swear I'll never look at a child the same way again."
"I. Am. Not. A. Child!"
"I know. You're an amoral, scum-sucking, lying, traitorous, pathetic excuse for a human being, but you look like an infant!"
That poor little kid is going pop if he gets any more upset. Suddenly, there's an evil gleam in his eyes. Oh, no. "I'll tell you what, Mulder... I'll stop swearing if you and Skinner stop swearing." He rubs his tiny little hands together. "And for every screw up either of you make, I can yell fuck at the top of my lungs if I want."
What a brilliant, twisted little mind. "Fine!"
"Chr-uh-imeny," Skinner stutters. "I'm not going to survive this. You two are going to drive me crazy."
End Take II
5 July 2004